MY miserable life story as per my stupid counselor

I cant shake all the anger i have for him the lost time the abandonment, the therapist brought up alot of hard things that i have been through today he is asking me to do a timeline of all the traumatic occurrences in my life, this hurts, my birthmom was 18 when she had me her parents took me away from her due to her bad choices drugs men ect I was given up for adoption at age 2 and brought to AZ . My parents couldn't have kids and i was pretty spoiled but i knew my adopted mother never wanted me....she hated me i think for being there she left my dad when i was 12 i think I was raped at 13 by a drunk 20 something guy when i snuck out and drank with a friend. I married my first husband was 4 yrs older and Arab i was pregnant with the 10 yr old and he wanted me to have an abortion but i didnt so he married me and he left when she was 4 months old, just left i came home from my great uncles funeral and found his wedding ring on the counter and that was that. He sees her on the weekend and pays child support so i guess i am lucky......I met my PA H when Jasmine was 1 yr old and i was in college, we met at a house party i was never supposed to be at, we had sex to soon and one night he trapped me in his room and tried to talk me into performing oral on him even though i did not want to and i ran off. We stayed together against everyone's advice and 3 yrs later i had our first daughter together my 2nd child ..............during the pregnancy my H choked me almost to the point of black out during the course of a fight, while i was 5 months pregnant with her my biological mom committed suicide and i went to clean out her place, I think she felt so guilty for being a horrible mom and leaving me and my 2 younger brothers i have always spent my life trying to prove i was nothing like her......our first daughter was 7 months old and my PA H was out of work and being a jerk in my home that i let him move into he tried to hold my child away from me and i bashed him over the head with a mikasa crystal picture frame and he was hurt bad, i knew i was wrong and regretted it right when i did it but i was arrested for domestic abuse, rightfully so. After that we seperated for a few weeks and he was gracious enough to let me try to get counseling and make it work. I became pregnant with our 2nd child together when the first was just over 1 and she was born we were doing okay i guess I got the call when she was 3 weeks old that my mom that raised me adoptive mom had died of breast cancer I had not spoke to her since my bio moms suicide and the last thing i asked my adoptive mom was " do u regret adopting me?" she said yes she was never meant to have a child. My stepmom the dentist that my dad married when i was18 was in the picture now and hated me as well. I got pregnant again when the 3rd baby was only 9 months old and it was finally a boy and i really wanted to be married before giving birth again i knew this would be the last child. I pressured my H to marry me and he gave in...........big mistake...........we married our son was born and 3 days later my stepmom died of breast cancer also. My father has also been battling cancer of the liver colon and pancreas it is E cell cancer since 1996 and it forced him to retire from dentistry. I have been through seeing him go through so much and scared to death everytime he has another procedure, fortunately he goes to the Mayo clinic 2 times a month and they keep him alive .........Then our son was just 4 months old and i knew something was up with the H and he seemed different he spoke of a new girl at work and i had bells going off at this time my dad was also in for another procedure and i was worried that might be the one that would take him I opened up to my H and said i am scared he reassured me and said i will never leave u or hurt u jamie.......a few nights later i am laying in bed with H and the phone rings it is a man and he tells me to be quiet he is going to help me and to listen carefully, he proceeds to play a voicemessage that is my husband's voice saying "hey baby she just left again I miss u I cant wait to see u tomorrow" I could see my H get up from bed and get real nervous. I am calmer than i ever thought i would be in this situation i asked him questions he said she was 23 and a stripper that took a position at his company and had 3 kids with 3 guys and that had not had sex or any physical stuff just he was confused and cared about her.......he immediately made it clear he "needed" to go see her and explain i am upset and told him if he left it was done ( our marriage) and i begged him to stay I knew on some level he would have sex with her if he left that night, he said he would be back in an hour and left me holding our son........he did not come back i spoke to him in the morning and asked if he slept with her he did 3 times with no protection...I let him come home and cooked him dinner WTF is wrong with me? He swears that was it and he never saw her again after that i kept talking to her on the phone and even found where she lived i spoke to her a few months after the night and she swears he had come back after that night. I am so numb and hurt I just want to get this out...........the porn is the icing on the cake after the affair i figured he would be humble and grateful, he was prideful and arrogant and still looked at porn not just porn but teen 18 barely legal always making me feel like i am not young enough good enough anyway..................we did counseling with my godfather who married us and was a christian fam counselor and pastor it did nothing and he still looked at porn up until june he claims a few times but whatever, I feel so dead inside and my current counseling is like ripping the scabs off of my whole damn life! I don't know what is up or down or right or wrong anymore i feel dead inside.