First appt

He has the first appt on the 14th of July with a professional!!! so that's good and I am happy for him but I still don't know how I feel about him and whats going to happen......he is sleeping on the couch and he offered to find a place but even a cheap place is just not going to work right now I am really angry because I don't know how much this counseling is going to cost either ......for someone who preaches such high moral standards and how our country is getting to far away from our moral foundation....then he goes and looks at teenage girls doing nasty stuff HYPOCRITE !!!!!

whatever I am not God so I shouldn't judge him but he really makes my skin crawl, I still feel spiritually disconnected from God at this time which is a bad feeling usually when I go through trying times

Today

It is the day before fourth of july, one of my favorite holidays, we all dress the same get a picture taken and talk about how great our country used to be and how to fix it. I am a little depressed today....feeling a little sorry for myself why can't I have a normal life with a normal husband is this my testimony? am I supposed to help people struggling with addiction to pornography? Do I stick this out and fulfill my commitment to God? I had a beautiful wedding and remember speaking my vows and being so proud to be his wife and so proud to have God watching over our marriage.........I promised to be Jeremiah's wife in front of God thats kinda weighing heavy on me today......even though I hate him God I have to put on a show or what? I don't know maybe I am to logical because statistically if I stay in this marriage he will do it again and again and it will get worse I may get a disease or worse.......... my kids will have keep seeing me upset......... I don't know I want release I can't wait to go to work tonight I might sleep at Tiffany's he slept here last night and respected my boundaries and stayed away, I didn't even see him.

the steps of porn addiction

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.

I am sooooo mad right now

I let him come see the kids....he was talking to me with an attitude..he is supposed to be staying here because I can't find any other place for him to stay and I am so frustrated what can i do i almost want to leave my home because i can't stand the thought of being under the same roof as him..... i am looking into hotels or rooms for rent for him....he has an attitude of self entitlement WTF I have gone through it for 9 years but i am supposed to be supportive still....i am all tapped out..... I can't take his minimizing bullshit!!!!!!! IT IS NOT OKAY he has the nerve to tell me to keep my mouth shut and he doesn't want the embarrassment....this ISN'T MY FAULT!!!!!! HOW EMBARRASSED AM I THAT MY HUSBAND IS A FREAKING PERVERT.........God help me right now

This isn't what I want

I woke up today starting to feel better about the possibility that this was going to turn out good. He has been staying out in chandler my dad has a huge house and lives alone. I didn't tell my dad why jeremiah needed to stay there my dad said he could stay. Now my husband calls me this morning and says he let my 20 yr old stepsister in last night....now my dad is in PA until the next week and I am thinking this is not acceptable for someone who has these problems to be around my young stepsister, so I don't know what to do..... that is his age preference and I don't trust him.....I told him that he can stay on the couch here and he is like I want to sleep in my own bed.....i don't want that we have a large living room he should sleep there or just go away and never be heard from again....god i am feeling dark today

can counseling help

I don't know if counseling can help, I am skeptical and hopefull, is this going to be my cross to bear, I keep praying for God to release me........from my marriage to say it's okay to leave it in the dust.......... If I walk away and it's against God it is ME breaking the marriage covenant, but hasn't my husband already broken it again and again and again? I can't feel God right now I feel dirty, ugly and a little depressed at best. I don't want to be married tto someone who can look me in the face and lie........this man doesn't bat an eye.... I know him so well and I see right through it. I just pray for release

Today

Today sucks.....

Today is hard to force a smile, the kids know something is going on, I have to cancel the family picture today and reschedule it I can't imagine being able to fake a smile that big right now. We are still doing fourth of july together with the kids. I don't know why I feel guilty, it has been years in the making....compounding incident after incident, I have never felt so much disgust for another person, and where is God in all of this I can't feel him right now which is scary. I haven't even tried to open my bible though, it feels like i failed